Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
