It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
