it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.