Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
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I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
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Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.