Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.