i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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