The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
