the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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