It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
