So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
