We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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