I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
