Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We had sex on a dog bed..
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How does it feel to date your dad?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
