Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
