Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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