I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
