Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
