so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
