We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
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It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
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My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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