you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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