Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
