dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
