Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
