Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
