so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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