i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
my being single is dangerous.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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