My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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