it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Randomize
