remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We are two peas in an std pod
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
