Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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