I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
