ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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