if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
