I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
