I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
