Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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