I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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