Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
