: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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