I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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