Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
