Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
