Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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