Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
