Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
