apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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