The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Of course I have a pirate flag
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
