Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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