Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
