I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
