I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
