Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
