My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
