i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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