We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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