Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
