Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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