this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
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So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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