I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
