When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
