MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
