i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
