Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
