Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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